My Biggest Fear
“No no no, this is all a dream! A nightmare!”
This past weekend I was back at Austin Christian Fellowship to fill in as their worship leader. Everything was going along as planned. We made it to our third and final service when it happened. BOOM CRASH PING POW! Alright, maybe not those exact noises, but that’s how it felt. I broke a string. It was only my high E string. “We’ll be fine.” I thought. I knew I should have changed those strings this morning. We start the second song. Surely nothing else could go…BOOM CRASH PING POW PLOP! (Again not actual sounds that happened) Another string bites the dust. This time it was my G-string, but no time for jokes about that. I was defeated. At that point I would have looked/sounded ridiculous to try to play with the four strings I had left. But I couldn’t just stand there with the guitar right? I don’t know.
That’s when it happened. The third song begins and I put down my guitar. I’ve never felt more vulnerable on stage before. I always have my guitar with me. That’s just the way it is. But the show…I mean service, must go on. I went up with out my guitar and started to sing. At first I couldn’t stop thinking about everything that was going on. “Do I just stand still? Do I take the microphone off the stand? WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS?!” Obviously all of these questions revolved around me. I was self-conscious, and didn’t know how I could possibly be confident in any way to be able to lead this congregation. That’s when it hit, “Oh yeah…I don’t need to rely on myself.” In that moment, the only way I could go on was to fully rely on God’s strength, and my confidence in him to make it through. Which I get can sound a little dramatic. It was only two songs that maybe came out to ten minutes, but for me that was the longest and hardest ten minutes I’ve ever spent on stage.
I feel like it’s really easy to just get into a routine with being a part of a worship team. For me, it’s always just been what I do. Not until recently have I realized how much more there is to it than the songs we play, and how much more I have to learn. Will this be a regular thing? Am I retiring my guitar and going to get one of those half microphone stands to become the Freddie Mercury of worship music? Probably not. But at the end of the day, this got me way out of my comfort zone, and brought my attention back where it should be. I can’t rely on my guitar, my voice, trying to get a visible response from the congregation. At the end of the day worship is of God and for God. I’m not going to get in the way of that. Also I’ll start changing my strings more.